Chivalry vs. Desperation… Is chivalry REALLY DEAD?

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“Chivalry is dead.”… Ugh. I think I have heard this phrase ONE too many times. Im exhausted.

A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my male best friend, who, disclaimer: is SO respectful and such a gentleman… I love him to life. As we were leaving his apartment building one day, and we were walking through the parking lot as he was preparing to walk me to my car, as he typically does. Car hold held open and all.

This particular instance, he decided to only walk me halfway; reason being, his car was only a few steps away.

“Okay, my car is right here. Bye, Lizz!” He says.

… pump the brakes. I say,“Wait, aren’t you going to walk me to my car?” Mind you it was only a few steps away.  He proceeds to shout… “No, I am not your man!”

Record scratches. Hold up. Wait a minute… Did he REALLY just say that?

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I stood there in utter shock. I could not believe he just said this to me.

Did I do something wrong? Was he mad at me? What did I do to deserve this?

So many thoughts began to rush into my mind, as I decided to get into my car and “slam” the door, as he referred to it as. (I didn’t slam… I just closed it really hard. 😉

 Okay yes, my car was only a few steps away. Yes, I got in my car safely and you were watching the whole time… but DARNIT, I wanted my car door held open! You could have walked me a few more steps! It wouldn’t have hurt.

This experience really got me thinking… What happened to chivalry? Why don’t men go out of their way to be a gentleman anymore? Is there a difference between what is considered chivalrous, and what is considered “desperation”?

Is chivalry really dead?

 As I proceeded to go home… I began to brainstorm a little more…logically, as I cooled down a bit. “Wait… well, what is chivalry? Why is it so important? Why do we hold it so dear to our hearts? Are the gender roles reversed now in todays society? How often should a man hold the door open? Should he always text you to make sure you got home safe? Should he always pick you up from your house on the first date? What if he is a creeper and you don’t want him to know where you live?”

Once I got home, I decided to put on my thinking cap and conduct a little bit of research.. I came across a very compelling article on elitedaily.com entitled “Why chivalry is dead, from a man’s perspective.” ( Source: http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective/)

One of the excerpts went on to state:

“The real problem here is that women, for one reason or another, have become complacent and allowed men to get away with adhering to the bare minimum.

If you take a girl out and show her you’re more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you’re going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent. If I take you out to a nice dinner, it’s because I’m a nice guy, and I am looking forward to spending time with you somewhere other than the bedroom.”

Interesting, right. 

The definition Chivalry is courteous behavior; especially that of a man to a woman. Some synonyms for chivalry are gentlemanliness, politeness, courteousness, graciousness, etc. Acts that people tend to consider “chivalrous” coming from men are opening her door, pulling out her chair at dinner, starting her car and cleaning off the snow when its cold, paying for dates, etc. Chivalrous acts, while they appear to be minute, are important to women when it comes to dating and relationships because they say alot about a mans character. Acts of chivalry show not only how much thought a man puts into his gestures, but how much thought he actually puts into a WOMAN.

In the hookup culture we now live in, cultivated by the “microwave”, “Ive got to have it now” mindset, it seems to be apparent that chivalry is slowly dying. And I might have to agree with the fact that men are not exactly the culprit. Its my belief as women, sometimes we don’t expect chivalry because it never happens. 

Now, usually when I go on a date with someone, I automatically have certain standards. I expect them to hold doors open, pull my chair out, let me order first at dinner, let me walk ahead of them and pay for the meal, ticket, event, etc. Not too much to ask… right?

There was one instance in which I was going on a date with a man I had admired for a very long time. The plan was for us to meet at a movie theatre, see Titanic in 3D and decide what we may do afterwards. What happens on this date? I meet the gentleman at the movie theatre, only to find that he was already SEATED in the theatre waiting for me.

Strike one.

He didn’t offer me any snacks, drinks… or even really acknowledge me during and after the movie.

Strike two.

He asked me if I could drop him home.

Strike three.

I dropped him off at his place, and as I am driving I realize he seemed to have stolen my Rihanna CD. Her Unapologetic album. Legit.

Strike 52.

Needless to say, that date wasn’t very chivalrous. And no, there absolutely was not a second date. Now does one experience shape your entire mindset of how men approach dates, and how chivalry is concerned? Absolutely not. But since when did this become the norm?

We live in a day and age in which gender equality is strongly desired. We want equal pay, we want to looked at as equal to men and we now have a voice. Yet, there is a gap between what women expect as far as dates and relationships go, and how their work life and professional life is concerned. So, if I start cooking for my man more often, is he going to start holding more car doors open for me? Do I have to be a stay at home wife and mother JUST to get a good man?

So the question remains… Is chivalry DEAD? Is there a difference between chivalry and desperation? Are women afraid of being feminine? Are we afraid of having standards? 

Just a little food for thought. Share your thoughts and comments below!

Also: There will be a version of this post linked onto http://www.stephanspeaks.com. Ill make sure to post when its published.

Ta Ta, for now!

Photo on 1-31-14 at 2.57 PM #2

Always remember: You are Fearfully, Wonderfully and “Beautifully mane.”

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One thought on “Chivalry vs. Desperation… Is chivalry REALLY DEAD?

  1. Hahahahahha @ “No, I am not your man!” Hate to break it to you, but your friend is right. Hehehehehe.Its great that he goes it for you, but I don’t think it should automatically be expected of a male FRIEND (that was just too funny!) Anyways, I agree with the excerpt you quoted re women accepting the bare minimum. We accept it, don’t argue it so it has become standard. I like when I meet a guy that goes the extra mile to hold my doors open or pull my chair out for me. Hopefully, I mary one some day because, for me, I am expecting it. #alilstandard

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