But, I love you… (Continued)

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But wait… I love you.

The word “delivered” was all I saw across my phone screen. My heart was beating rapidly. I was staring at this lock screen of mine… Studiously. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. I didn’t know why I was so petrified. I guess I waiting for confirmation that I was the one.

Fingers tapping, mortified. It had taken me ages to tell this man that he was the love of my life.  

I fell in love with a man at the age of 18, in New York City while I was away at theatre school. Countless nights we spent listening to neo soul, talking about love, making it, but not actually… devoted.

Morals that were instilled in me growing up? Gone. My heart was now where my mind used to be. Every time he went away, it felt like my heart went with him. We said goodbye in the middle of an empty train station.

I didn’t know it would be the last time I ever saw him. It was as though my heart went with him on the train that day… all the way back to Brooklyn. Needless to say, I never got it back.

Until one day, I woke up. “I have to call him.”

It had taken me THREE YEARS to make the decision to reconnect with him. Chris, is his name… and tell him I still loved him. The memories we shared were affecting my focus. They were affecting my work. They were affecting my ability to allow myself to love someone else. They CONSUMED me.

Shocked that I still loved him? Understatement. Reluctantly, he said he still loved me back. An air of relief. A HUGE weight was lifted from my shoulders. I knew my instinct wouldn’t lead me wrong. He said he loved me back… I knew I was the one for him.

Until one day, the texts stopped. The calls stopped. Come to find, he reconnected with HIS true love… whom became his fiancé. I told him I loved him too much for this to be happening. I even told him I was the one, not her. I told him I thought I would be the one saying I do at the alter.

His final words to me were “Dude, you are all in your feelings. Move on.”

The word “read” was across my phone screen, after countless “I hate you” messages and “You lied, you never loved me.” read sent. My heart was beating rapidly. I was starting at this text thread of mine… Studiously. I didn’t know why I ever loved him. I didn’t know why I let it get to this point… I guess I was waiting to see if this was true love.

I’ve never felt a pain so sharp. I’ve never felt a heartache so wounding. I told myself I couldn’t live without him. But look at me… here, living.

Life is a funny thing. You really think you can’t live without someone… Until, you start living. And you realize, you’ll be fine. You will be TOTALLY fine.

 Have you ever had a first love? What did it take for you to move on? Share your thoughts and comments below! 

Always remember: You are Fearfully, Wonderfully and “Beautifully mane.”

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6 thoughts on “But, I love you… (Continued)

  1. I love this comment Life is a funny thing. You really think you can’t live without someone… Until, you start living. And you realize, you’ll be fine. You will be TOTALLY fine.
    Thanks for the confirmation.

  2. Yes. I lost my first love to the streets and prison as a teenager. It took many years for me to recover. Then in my adult life, I met a younger man who reminded me of him, but he was wiser (or more mature) and more grounded – of course, because my first love was also a teenager back then. Needless to say, I went reeling when this newer relationship was over. Girl…

  3. I lost my first love to the streets and prison as a teenager. It took many years for me to recover.

    Then in my adult life, I met a younger man who reminded me of him in so many ways, but he was wiser (or more mature) and more grounded – of course, because my first love was also a teenager back then. Needless to say, I went reeling when this newer relationship was over.

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