Chivalry vs. Desperation… Is chivalry REALLY DEAD?

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“Chivalry is dead.”… Ugh. I think I have heard this phrase ONE too many times. Im exhausted.

A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my male best friend, who, disclaimer: is SO respectful and such a gentleman… I love him to life. As we were leaving his apartment building one day, and we were walking through the parking lot as he was preparing to walk me to my car, as he typically does. Car hold held open and all.

This particular instance, he decided to only walk me halfway; reason being, his car was only a few steps away.

“Okay, my car is right here. Bye, Lizz!” He says.

… pump the brakes. I say,“Wait, aren’t you going to walk me to my car?” Mind you it was only a few steps away.  He proceeds to shout… “No, I am not your man!”

Record scratches. Hold up. Wait a minute… Did he REALLY just say that?

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I stood there in utter shock. I could not believe he just said this to me.

Did I do something wrong? Was he mad at me? What did I do to deserve this?

So many thoughts began to rush into my mind, as I decided to get into my car and “slam” the door, as he referred to it as. (I didn’t slam… I just closed it really hard. 😉

 Okay yes, my car was only a few steps away. Yes, I got in my car safely and you were watching the whole time… but DARNIT, I wanted my car door held open! You could have walked me a few more steps! It wouldn’t have hurt.

This experience really got me thinking… What happened to chivalry? Why don’t men go out of their way to be a gentleman anymore? Is there a difference between what is considered chivalrous, and what is considered “desperation”?

Is chivalry really dead?

 As I proceeded to go home… I began to brainstorm a little more…logically, as I cooled down a bit. “Wait… well, what is chivalry? Why is it so important? Why do we hold it so dear to our hearts? Are the gender roles reversed now in todays society? How often should a man hold the door open? Should he always text you to make sure you got home safe? Should he always pick you up from your house on the first date? What if he is a creeper and you don’t want him to know where you live?”

Once I got home, I decided to put on my thinking cap and conduct a little bit of research.. I came across a very compelling article on elitedaily.com entitled “Why chivalry is dead, from a man’s perspective.” ( Source: http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective/)

One of the excerpts went on to state:

“The real problem here is that women, for one reason or another, have become complacent and allowed men to get away with adhering to the bare minimum.

If you take a girl out and show her you’re more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you’re going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent. If I take you out to a nice dinner, it’s because I’m a nice guy, and I am looking forward to spending time with you somewhere other than the bedroom.”

Interesting, right. 

The definition Chivalry is courteous behavior; especially that of a man to a woman. Some synonyms for chivalry are gentlemanliness, politeness, courteousness, graciousness, etc. Acts that people tend to consider “chivalrous” coming from men are opening her door, pulling out her chair at dinner, starting her car and cleaning off the snow when its cold, paying for dates, etc. Chivalrous acts, while they appear to be minute, are important to women when it comes to dating and relationships because they say alot about a mans character. Acts of chivalry show not only how much thought a man puts into his gestures, but how much thought he actually puts into a WOMAN.

In the hookup culture we now live in, cultivated by the “microwave”, “Ive got to have it now” mindset, it seems to be apparent that chivalry is slowly dying. And I might have to agree with the fact that men are not exactly the culprit. Its my belief as women, sometimes we don’t expect chivalry because it never happens. 

Now, usually when I go on a date with someone, I automatically have certain standards. I expect them to hold doors open, pull my chair out, let me order first at dinner, let me walk ahead of them and pay for the meal, ticket, event, etc. Not too much to ask… right?

There was one instance in which I was going on a date with a man I had admired for a very long time. The plan was for us to meet at a movie theatre, see Titanic in 3D and decide what we may do afterwards. What happens on this date? I meet the gentleman at the movie theatre, only to find that he was already SEATED in the theatre waiting for me.

Strike one.

He didn’t offer me any snacks, drinks… or even really acknowledge me during and after the movie.

Strike two.

He asked me if I could drop him home.

Strike three.

I dropped him off at his place, and as I am driving I realize he seemed to have stolen my Rihanna CD. Her Unapologetic album. Legit.

Strike 52.

Needless to say, that date wasn’t very chivalrous. And no, there absolutely was not a second date. Now does one experience shape your entire mindset of how men approach dates, and how chivalry is concerned? Absolutely not. But since when did this become the norm?

We live in a day and age in which gender equality is strongly desired. We want equal pay, we want to looked at as equal to men and we now have a voice. Yet, there is a gap between what women expect as far as dates and relationships go, and how their work life and professional life is concerned. So, if I start cooking for my man more often, is he going to start holding more car doors open for me? Do I have to be a stay at home wife and mother JUST to get a good man?

So the question remains… Is chivalry DEAD? Is there a difference between chivalry and desperation? Are women afraid of being feminine? Are we afraid of having standards? 

Just a little food for thought. Share your thoughts and comments below!

Also: There will be a version of this post linked onto http://www.stephanspeaks.com. Ill make sure to post when its published.

Ta Ta, for now!

Photo on 1-31-14 at 2.57 PM #2

Always remember: You are Fearfully, Wonderfully and “Beautifully mane.”

“God where is my Boaz?” by Stephan Labossiere; Highly Recommended!

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So, the holidays are over. You gained fifteen pounds, you may or may not have spent large amounts of time with family, and you witnessed all of your friends get engaged. Literally. I don’t know about you, but most of my twitter and Facebook timelines were encompassed by massive amounts declarations of engagements. No shade.
 
Christmas day I was sitting on the couch, surrounded by tons of family, finding myself having to constantly answer questions of why I am not married yet, or where my “man” is at. Hello! I am a 20 – something! Shouldn’t you be asking how my career life is going, school, or something a tad bit more measurable? Sigh.
 
Before you starting talking… Im not bitter! Marriage is a beautiful thing. Its just… When is it my turn? Im pretty, smart, and not dependent on anyone else to take care of me. I have a car. I have my own place. Shoot, I’m a good catch! So when will it be my turn… *Kneels to pray* God… Where is my Boaz?

“God, where is my Boaz?” written by Relationship Expert/Love Coach Stephan Labossiere is an Amazon bestseller, along with a Woman’s guide to understanding what is keeping her from achieving the Love she Deserves. Image

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Yeah. He’s fine.

Minus the typical three step formula, this book takes a deeper look into why certain single women spend so much time and energy concerned about finding a man, as opposed to taking that energy and effort and focusing more on her walk with God. This book helps you learn how to Chase God, not Boaz.

“God, where is my Boaz?” is a very quick read, each chapter compartmentalized making it easy to follow; very practical. 

Stephan states; “These aren’t tips and tricks on how to get a man. This book will assist you in taking a deeper look within which will help you prepare and position yourself for the love and man that is truly best for you.”

From a Christian, spiritual perspective, this self – help book dives into the questions that many single women have today; Why haven’t I met my husband yet? Why aren’t I married? Will I ever get married? And the never-ending question that most Christian women come to terms with, “Where is my Boaz?”

The term Boaz derives from the word “swiftness”, used in the Bible times as the “swiftness of a horse”. In the bible, in the book of Ruth, Boaz is the man who marries Ruth, a widowed Maobite daughter with endless faith and loyalty to her sister Naomi. After lots of “swooning” as we would call it nowadays, Boaz continued to pursue Ruth, and they eventually married.

What makes Boaz stand out and be this man that we desire is he never gave up. In the book of Ruth, He saw Ruth in the field, he saw a challenge, he knew what he wanted, and he went after her; no questions asked. He said he wanted to marry her, and kept his word. Boaz has become the epitome of what women want in a man; a man that keeps his word and knows what he wants.

Stephan states, “In this book, I’m going to help bring clarity to the internal struggle you’ve been enduring. I‘ve been led to provide insight into the things hindering your progression in relationships. The goal is to assist women with moving in a more positive direction in their love life, and their personal relationship with God.”

And man, let me tell you: He did JUST THAT.

When I first began reading this book, I was very pleased. Having read many relationship self-help books in the past, especially Christian ones, and I was under the impression that “God, where is my boaz?” might consist of a lot of “you need to do” this and “you aren’t doing that” critiques on women and why they are single. Reading on, I was pleasantly surprised. “God where is my Boaz” is more than a self-help book, it’s a book that leads women to the self – actualization and awareness of why we are single, how we can focus on our relationship with God as opposed to “finding us a man”, and how our Boaz will come, with the right attitude and faith in God.

 I would highly recommend this book to any woman of any faith who is looking to find their true match. It takes the story of Ruth and Boaz from a very practical standpoint, and breaks it down in terms we can all understand, while in the preparation stages of finding our true love.

You can purchase “God, where is my Boaz?” on Amazon and Barnes and Noble Bookstores. It is available for paperback, kindle and audio! Check it out bloggers; Man or woman, I highly recommend this. I reviewed it on Amazon; still going through review, I will make sure to share that with you guys as soon as it is posted.

You can also check out Stephan Labossiere’s website, filled with tons of relationship advice for men and women, whether single or married and spiritual guidance! Awesome relationship expert/love coach that definitely reps for the ladies. 🙂 Link will be posted below.

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Thanks! Share your thoughts and comments below.

Always remember: You are Fearfully, Wonderfully and “Beautifully mane.”

Visit Stephan Labossiere’s website! http://www.stephanspeaks.com 

 

But, I love you…

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How many of us ladies have ever been in a relationship, or really like somebody and the “I need you” or “I can’t live without you” nonsense starts popping in your head?

That was me these past couple of weeks. I recently reconnected with an ex, someone I would consider my “first love.” We reconnect, begin talking all over again, spend countless nights talking on the phone reminiscing over times we walked through Times Square and roamed NYC ( I used to attend theatre school in NYC, thats where I met him), shared old laughs and I began to just… miss him. I really missed him.

Little did I know that he was newly single ( he was previously engaged ), and it made me desire to explore things further. Without going into too much detail, we ended things, or what was becoming a “thing” this past weekend. Big argument, tears, anger… and just, done.

And those thoughts came racing back to my mind AGAIN… “But, I love him. How am I supposed to move on?” “I thought he was the one.” “I can’t live without him” “I need him.”

But Lizz, hold up… Weren’t you doing JUST FINE before you reconnected? In fact, you were doing better! You were living. Smiling. Laughing.

Lizz… You were LIVING. And you were living good.

Just something I wanted to share with my fellow Natural Hair/Lifestyle bloggers here, particularly women. Life is a funny thing. You think you can’t live without someone, or you really need someone… until you start LIVING. And you realize, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay.

“The only people who rush love are the ones who don’t trust it.” Hill Sr., Rob (2012-05-22). For Single People Who Still Understand The Value of Relationships.

Always remember: You are Fearfully, Wonderfully and “Beautifully mane.”